Reverb 10

One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

I stumbled upon this blog prompt from one of my favorite bloggers. I find this more fulfilling than those cheesy year in reviews, where you go month by month. This is minimalism at its finest. My overarching theme.

My word for 2010: experience. 2010 wasn't really a standout due to any particular event. I went out and had fun. I was like a sponge absorbing as much as I can, boys, alcohol, food, moments, whatever it was I justhadtohaveit NOW. Originally I thought that I was going to pick excessive maybe even reckless, but there's negative connotations with those words and I'm not putting a negative spin on what was a good year nonetheless. I finally became more comfortable with who I was, started to be more honest to myself (so far to go still), and put myself out there in so many ways. Guarded is what I pride myself on being, for all the wrong reasons. I've put my feelings on the backburner for 2010, but only those twisted, aching ones, not the "ooh this is nice" type, which are the ones I fed off of.

My word for 2011: intention. Actions are hollow things without knowing one's intent behind them. 2010 was about just doing it, but 2011 will be about the why. It's the question I don't ask myself, because it's one I don't want to know the answer to. Why am I hooking up with this boy? Because it feels nice, validation, boredom, etc. Why am I drinking copious amounts of alcohol? Yes I'm thirsty, or do I need liquid courage for what I "want" to do? I didn't reflect on my intentions behind my actions in 2010, not because I didn't want to deal with the events that transpired, but because I didn't have an answer. I followed through with the actions because they simply became part of the motions I went through. There was no meaning, intent was loss.

I need to be able to identify the cause for my actions if I ever want to be honest with myself. Despite my best attempts at keeping my guard up for 2010, I not only got ahead of myself, but got burned in the process. I abhorred feelings and letting myself fall for someone else as a defense mechanism, but those were the only actions that had true meaning behind them. I lived through 2010, but not with meaning.

I've always joked that "I'm the kid who makes the same mistake, never learns the lessons, and apparently repetition does not stick with me." I was never exaggerating with that metaphor, for all intents and purposes it rings true to who I was in 2010. I didn't learn the lessons that my actions should've taught me because nothing had meaning anymore. The way I abhorred real feelings lead me to devalue so much, including myself. Self worth was petty and found not in my accomplishments but with the boys who had my heart attention for a second, or at the bottom of a infinite glass of liquid courage.

X amount of drinks to blackout? X amount of boys? 2011 is not about figuring out what X is (and to be honest algebra was never my thing anyway), it's going to be about "WHY is X, X?". I'm not ready to try and tackle the big questions, that's what your later twenties are for, right? Just the little questions for now. I can't begin to fathom the big stuff, when I haven't even identified the little things.

2011 will be introspective. I'm coming into 2011 not for the new start; the start of a new calendar year does not mean a clean slate. I need to resolve my issues of 2010 first and use them for footing for 2011. I'm not coming in shiny and new and ready. I'm coming in a little hurt, vulnerable and lost as ever. 2010 was the year of impulse, I started things really quickly and things ended as fast. I'd be ecstatic about something one day and then next day found my world caught on fire because of it. It's been a constant pattern for me this year, and of course the cycle of ecstasy and disappointment repeated itself within the last days of 2010.

I didn't intend on writing this post, or getting back to this blog in this format. Maybe a funny anecdote about my day. But I'm reeling and in the midst of an attempted catharsis, and this is what occurred. Not just a want, but a need for self reflection.

2011, I'm not ready, but it's something I can't control. I'm going to be vulnerable for awhile, getting reacquainted with those pesky feelings I pushed away for so long. My intentions are for once present and on the surface. I have the answer to why I'm doing this excercise, there's meaning behind this. Maybe this is the time where I made a mistake, but finally learned the lesson.