Reverb 10

One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

I stumbled upon this blog prompt from one of my favorite bloggers. I find this more fulfilling than those cheesy year in reviews, where you go month by month. This is minimalism at its finest. My overarching theme.

My word for 2010: experience. 2010 wasn't really a standout due to any particular event. I went out and had fun. I was like a sponge absorbing as much as I can, boys, alcohol, food, moments, whatever it was I justhadtohaveit NOW. Originally I thought that I was going to pick excessive maybe even reckless, but there's negative connotations with those words and I'm not putting a negative spin on what was a good year nonetheless. I finally became more comfortable with who I was, started to be more honest to myself (so far to go still), and put myself out there in so many ways. Guarded is what I pride myself on being, for all the wrong reasons. I've put my feelings on the backburner for 2010, but only those twisted, aching ones, not the "ooh this is nice" type, which are the ones I fed off of.

My word for 2011: intention. Actions are hollow things without knowing one's intent behind them. 2010 was about just doing it, but 2011 will be about the why. It's the question I don't ask myself, because it's one I don't want to know the answer to. Why am I hooking up with this boy? Because it feels nice, validation, boredom, etc. Why am I drinking copious amounts of alcohol? Yes I'm thirsty, or do I need liquid courage for what I "want" to do? I didn't reflect on my intentions behind my actions in 2010, not because I didn't want to deal with the events that transpired, but because I didn't have an answer. I followed through with the actions because they simply became part of the motions I went through. There was no meaning, intent was loss.

I need to be able to identify the cause for my actions if I ever want to be honest with myself. Despite my best attempts at keeping my guard up for 2010, I not only got ahead of myself, but got burned in the process. I abhorred feelings and letting myself fall for someone else as a defense mechanism, but those were the only actions that had true meaning behind them. I lived through 2010, but not with meaning.

I've always joked that "I'm the kid who makes the same mistake, never learns the lessons, and apparently repetition does not stick with me." I was never exaggerating with that metaphor, for all intents and purposes it rings true to who I was in 2010. I didn't learn the lessons that my actions should've taught me because nothing had meaning anymore. The way I abhorred real feelings lead me to devalue so much, including myself. Self worth was petty and found not in my accomplishments but with the boys who had my heart attention for a second, or at the bottom of a infinite glass of liquid courage.

X amount of drinks to blackout? X amount of boys? 2011 is not about figuring out what X is (and to be honest algebra was never my thing anyway), it's going to be about "WHY is X, X?". I'm not ready to try and tackle the big questions, that's what your later twenties are for, right? Just the little questions for now. I can't begin to fathom the big stuff, when I haven't even identified the little things.

2011 will be introspective. I'm coming into 2011 not for the new start; the start of a new calendar year does not mean a clean slate. I need to resolve my issues of 2010 first and use them for footing for 2011. I'm not coming in shiny and new and ready. I'm coming in a little hurt, vulnerable and lost as ever. 2010 was the year of impulse, I started things really quickly and things ended as fast. I'd be ecstatic about something one day and then next day found my world caught on fire because of it. It's been a constant pattern for me this year, and of course the cycle of ecstasy and disappointment repeated itself within the last days of 2010.

I didn't intend on writing this post, or getting back to this blog in this format. Maybe a funny anecdote about my day. But I'm reeling and in the midst of an attempted catharsis, and this is what occurred. Not just a want, but a need for self reflection.

2011, I'm not ready, but it's something I can't control. I'm going to be vulnerable for awhile, getting reacquainted with those pesky feelings I pushed away for so long. My intentions are for once present and on the surface. I have the answer to why I'm doing this excercise, there's meaning behind this. Maybe this is the time where I made a mistake, but finally learned the lesson.

Life is always playing a cruel joke on me. Like today where Starbucks didn't have my Passion tea OR caramel brulee lattes, it's tragic and #firstworldwhitegirlproblems (except 1.I'm not white and 2.this is a blog not Twitter) I'm back at the Barnes and Noble where I've spent hours attempting studying for the LSAT and writing entries.

Back to the same old self destructive behavior? Let's hope not, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. The hookup game is getting old, it's still fun, don't get me wrong, because sometimes it's just fun to make out with someone. But let's be real, it's kind of gross.

This is how my first weekend as a senior was spent

Let's not comment on the fact that it's 6 am and I have class in 5 hours, but felt the need to update.

We can also skim over the tiny detail that 3 Irish men spent the night on my floor.

But I'm going to admit that I ended up kissing a very cute leprechaun tonight.

And that I just had to call the 3 of them a cab at 6am since they have to catch their bus from Boston to NYC to make their plane to Dublin...

I don't get my life and how I end up in situations like these with the Irish. Or well with the Irish in general. I've kissed 5 boys this summer, there's only been one American in that mix. My boys come complete with accents and drinking problems to boot.

Oh life you never cease to amaze me.

Situational Changes

I love how dependent environments are to what is and what isn't socially acceptable.

When I'm back at school it's perfectly acceptable for me to drink at 4pm, and go to the bar on a Wednesday night. In the real world that's called alcoholism.

On Facebook, it's practically encouraged that I stalk "keep up" with friends/acquaintances/strangers/peopleivesleptwith. In the real world that's called stalking.

Thank goodness for Facebook and college, otherwise I'd be an alcoholic in jail! And I'm not a very attractive person when suffering from withdrawal...not like that has ever happened to me.

Tangents and streams of conciousness

I'm back in Boston! Real life with actual meaning and you know goals and to do lists can once again commence! Yet the month of September is the most intimidating month ever, and I want to cry just looking at it.

Yet I am tooling around my apartment and putting off LSAT homework, so it's kind of like nothing has changed at all. I should be going to my storage unit and unloading it, but driving in Boston gives me anxiety. So instead of being productive, I'm sitting in my room having panic attacks and watching them board up our beach volleyball court which resembled a murky lagoon thanks to the rain. Actually I'm pretty sure there were new organisms growing there. (Has anyone else ever had to read the word organism aloud and been tempted to read orgasm? Because that was my greatest fear all throughout science class...No? Okay forget I mentioned it.)

Whilst in Savannah, GA I got sunburned for the third time of my life. Oh it is the most glorious sunburn that puts an end to all sunburns. It actually sometimes throbs. I stupidly assumed that being as dark as I am, that one coat of sunscreen was enough...and then I ended up pointing out how red my not-so-tan-aka-white(is that PC?!) friends were at the end of the day.

Karma apparently bit me in the ass. Because the next day, everyone was fine but me. My left shoulder resembles charred BBQ...it's quite attractive; unfortunately not scratch and sniff. I also had to spend part of the day in the airport with my giant backpack...despite the fact that even my bra strap and hair touching my shoulder made me wince and cry.

So my sunburn made me think of LIFE, as well as the day Kelly exploded. We get sunburned because we're stupid. It happens when we don't take precautions and use SPF 8 and NEVER REAPPLY. We peel and then we grow more skin, and thus the cycle repeats itself. The circle of life! Or well the circle of third party nearly self inflicted pain?

Okay maybe smart people/people who know what's good for them and don't follow this pattern, but I refuse to acknowledge them because then I get the jealousies. But seriously I always think that sunburn won't happen to me, because I take my melanin content for granted... The same way I think that I won't get hurt because I take my having no soul for granted; but before I know it I grow a soul, let someone in, don't apply SPF100 as need be, and then ALL MY SKIN PEELS OFF AND MY SHOULDER RESEMBLES A RAW STEAK, and then we get hurt. So I think the trick is to either:
1. stay inside and be a hermit
2. find spf1000 and reapply every 2 minutes...

I mean it's better to go out and frolic (wait frolic doesn't have a K!? revelation!) underneath that ball of heat than be a dumpy hermit.

This was a little more depressing than I intended. Actually I didn't intend on it to be depressing at all. Whoops. Here's something optimistic: I now own dinosaur silly bandz!

Lalala being neurotic

I never learn from my mistakes. I wonder if it's something I can attribute to being a Leo (whoohoo birthday month!), or if it's a mix of my own inherent stubbornness/stupidity/optimism. That's a weird mix of things to be grouped together,but I can't decide which is the overarching factor in my behavior.

For one I know I have an obsessive personality. Which is why I can't buy things at Costco and not waste money and why teriyaki chicken grosses me out. I used to make my dad buy boxes of these teriyaki skewers when I was little, I would refuse to eat anything else for months. OH MY GOD I'M PROBABLY GOING TO GET DIABETES FROM IT. Also I'm not allowed to have nice things...but that's different!

Actually from what I've absorbed in Drugs and Society, I most likely have an addictive personality. So if I try cocaine or heroin, I'm fucking screwed. Guess I won't be snorting lines off hookers anytime soon, or well ever actually...Disappointment!

There was the time I ended up in the ER due to drinking far too much alcohol. Did I learn from said mistake? No I went out the following night and got plastered. Hello alcoholism! But I attribute that to my trifecta of what I chalk up all my mistakes to: optimism(it'll be different this time), stubbornness(I'm right they're wrong obviously) and stupidity(whatever I do what I want!).

I like to think that it's my optimism and naivete that result into repeating all the same mistakes, because that's much easier to accept and admit than sheer stupidity. Hence what happened this week. I recognized that history was repeating itself, and that the same things were being said, but I assumed that it would be different, THIS TIME. This wasn't my belief in redemption going through, nor was it that lame there'sgoodineveryone crap.

It's due to me being stubborn and going against what everyone told me to do, INCLUDING MYSELF. Because I was so goddamn curious on what the outcome would be, yet I had an inkling on what it was.

Oh and I absolutely refuse to go and see Eat, Pray, Love; because I hate Elizabeth Gilbert and think the premise of a well off white woman eating carbs for the first time in her life is stupid.

4 am

So I just self diagnosed myself with ADHD based on the episode "Starry Night" from Modern Family. That's not normal is it?

Also being up at 5 am probably isn't normal, but I had a grande iced white mocha to stay awake during LSAT class and I'm pretty sure they sprinkled my drink with cocaine to keep me awake at this ungodly hour.